2020: A year of healing
In previous years I have organized this account in months, feelings, or media. But, because this year felt endless, I think that seasons are a better way to review it. Each season (Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter again) is represented by a subtitle. And take into consideration that I completed this task on March 31st, 2021, and not in December as I was doing for more than a decade. But, life is hard on this timeline.
A chronological coincidence
Exactly one year ago I was getting a breakdown. A systemic failure on my belief systems. Not just we started the longest enclosed period in human history. A no-so-unexpected virus was spreading as crazy, and in just two months had almost 80% of humans (in the better cases) working, studying, and living in their reduced spaces called home. But also I was dealing with my own self-deception. Far from Chile, in a historical and critical time after its largest social protest in 200 years of history, I get to the realization that I failed in several academic, personal, and emotional decisions. Looking history happens from screens, and feeling powerless and meaningless.
My systems collapsed, and the distress took over a large part of 2020. It was a time that a lot of things needed to be rethought in my life. Which communities do I acknowledge? Which identities do I embrace? What futures do I care to empower? and What thinks I really don´t give a shit? In 2020 I quit my political party, I decided to leave SolarSPELL as a research project, we move from an apartment to a house, my Crossfit gym also move to a different neighborhood in south Tempe, too! A year with strong changes, looking for things that make sense in worlds that emerge from crises.
I failed repeated times to others and myself.
I embraced the atmosphere of crises, so much that I´m writing my yearly reflection 3 months later.
In some form. my personal crises aligned with institutional, national, and multisystemic crises.
But, if something, I started to heal.
Burning Laberynths
One of my favorites quotes of Walter Benjamin is “The path of someone shy of arrival at a goal easily takes the form of a labyrinth.” (Quien teme llegar a la meta traza facilmente un laberinto). In some form, my goal of the Ph.D. became something to fear. It´s not the first time that I Self-sabotage in this form, but now it feels more threatening, during global pandemics and supporting my covalent husband Matías (who was dealing with his own professional frustrations in the desert and the pandemic).
Labyrinths take mystical forms, and require calm and observation, instead of wits and tricks to get out of them.
After a spring semester that I was able to contribute (in an intense and even rude manner) to two academic publications, and collaborate on two courses (Global Resolve, a project-based class as mentor, and Global Innovations, an experimental multilingual, multinational, and multidisciplinary research experience between ASU and Latin American universities). On the bright side, I am proud that after a year of taking a class on how to speak better English, I was getting more confident in my second language communication (after 3 years here!).
But my body also aches. I had since November 2019 a back pain that has impossible to get rid of. In March and April I got physical therapy, and despite it helped, the pain remain on that weird spot between my spine and my left kidney in the lower back.
I arrived in May in quarantine, as most of the world at that time, with the data from a short visit to Fiji in 2019, and without confidence in myself to write a word about it or anything else. This project haunts me in my dreams and emails. I just got totally stuck with it. I was reading a list of books and papers, that I created in 2018 and no feeling progress in any form. My intellectual capacity was depleted, and my emotional commitment to my research disengaged. (Really daunting, no?)
It was in a catch-up call with Pancho Rojas when I started to figure out that I was having a burnout. Not just the regular burnout that you get on Phoenix´s Summer, when temperatures rise to levels proper from Climate Fiction stories, neither was observing from the screens how a new movement against systemic racism in the US was taking this country. I was working out in almost individual classes from Cesar, one of the best trainers and generous humans beings that I had the chance to meet.
However, my body and mind got to their limit of exhaustion, being a witness to things that grab my attention outside my control. I really appreciate the friends, colleagues, and even professors and people that I know a little dedicate to me when I was tweeting things that were even less coherent than my average non-senses. I was far from friends, and dealing with my own unmerited expectations. This radical beginning makes it a year to start to heal some internal issues that I had carried for a really long time.
Virtually avoiding, not procrastinating
I decided to take a vacation, and in that concept, it was two weeks hook on Hyrule, the home of Link and Zelda in Breath of the Wild. For two weeks I disconnected from any reading, or other screens, and just played on the Nintendo Switch that Matias gifted to me on Chrismas 2019. In my rest, I watched completely Community, a series that Misao and other friends recommended to me. It was priceless to go with those character back to school, in particular with Troy (portrayed by Donald Glover)
In June I reached out to Laura to communicate that I´m not working with her anymore, and my second-year paper will be my last contribution to SolarSPELL (wait for it: I´m actually submitted for revision on March 2021, one year later from the breakdown). In addition, I started conversations with other faculty members in my school and revisiting what crazy things I have been thinking during 3 years of my Ph.D. studies.
Then, I was able to share with previous and new friends. I reconnected with Cristobal, a young and critical historian, and with Misao, an old friend from times that we visited the School of Engineering in which Matias later got his Ph.D. to make nerd things on easier times (like 2003–05). With them (Matias included later) we created a webinar series to support other people in need: Teachers of technology in Chile. I know, they aren´t the most needed people in the world, but in a pandemic world, we found that our research, training, contacts, and distance may help a community that we have longed stand to make new networks, collaborations, and support in their labor. (Note: In Chile Technology teachers barely get training on technological topics like design, ICTs, engineering, STS, or anything related to the actual curriculum, despite being a mandatory subject since 2000)
Creating a new habit was something helpful to navigate the weeks. We re-design and perform interviews on citizen science with Pedro Pablo (an independent paper that I´m not yet completed in the last 3 years), I meet Nicolas, a Chilean work-olic and new Ph.D. student in ASU (an expert in labor and work) who was spending most of his first year in front a screen.
I also got some cool opportunities in the summer. Lindsay, probably the professor that I trust the most in my program, offer me to collaborate in her research grant. I think that my work was insufficient, but during some months during that infernal period, I make a pause to talk about the migratory crisis between Central and North America from a technological perspective. from Chile, I reached out to 3 students working on topics of science policy to help them with their research, and I agree to collaborate in their committees with my expertise. Those experiences started to re-spark my self-confidence. The topics, readings, conferences, and discussions that I have been involved in the last year became again relevant, not just for me, but for others.
The summer ended with a digital journey to Europe. The 4S, the flagship conference that I try not to miss, was a revitalizing time just before another semester started. A wonderful time to reconnect, through the screen, with several colleagues, friends, and new people to share about things that I really passionate to learn. In addition, those days I went to campus to check some physical health concerns: they offer me to do “Behavioral medicine”, a therapy available for cases of burnouts, anxiety, and depression.
Because the internet
The Fall was different for several reasons. First, it was less hot (weather and mentally wise). Second, people were more available to have chats and conversations. Third, I started to incorporate some habits into my life, like calling people that I missed a lot, organizing research notes, and listening to some podcasts during my rides to/from Crossfit (4 miles in the bike, each direction). That is how I re-discover Childish Gambino.
Back in 2013, when I started to engage with the technological dimensions of STS, I taught for the first time my flagship course Intro to Technology. In that class, I used to have a full album during the lecture, which was the background music for the activities and conversations. But, until that podcast co-writes for the metamodern expert Camden Ostrander, I never realize the power of its context, lyrics, and even its sounds in detail. That sessions of biking with Dissect during the fall were a very emotional process to rethink about life. Donald Glover/Childish Gambino produced Because the Internet after his own simultaneous crises, and the intersection between life, technology, and existentialism was useful for me on this time, in other means.
Sorry, I’m just scared of the future
’Til 3005, I got your back, we can do this, hold up
Note that Because the Internet was the project that makes Childish Gambino left Community. He quit following his passions and to explore his inner crises. To explore. To grow. To heal.
With the cords from that album over and over in my algorithmic sounds, my mind and will again in action. I went back to practice regular Crossfit(with the explicit opposition of Matias). Several things have changed, but I started to realize better how my own avoidance, mistakes, and miscommunications can be turned on learnings. In addition, I took a short journalism course in grammar, which I think I needed from 2008 or even before. That was just a class that took me too long to find, and it was really enjoyable.
November turned on a period of retribution of ideas and research. I participated as a speaker in 7 talks, between invitations and conferences, in English and Spanish, putting in action my technological learnings. Also, I was able to put together a new committee, for a new dissertation project, and to complete delayed requirements of my program. I´m really grateful for their support and clarity.
Healing
After 8 tele-sessions with a therapist, 3 dozens of Crossfit sessions, thousand of twits, conversations with Matias during Fall and early winter, I started to left behind my burnout and being able to re-direct my dissertation and Ph.D. in a clear direction. But, not was until 2021 that I put together a new committee meeting, and you will need to wait until (at least) December to know what this year is being.
I still have a lot of issues, but after 2020 I started to be more grateful for the people that I have around, with the opportunities, privileges, and systems of support, and with the time and attention that people share with me and my ideas. For instance, Matt (Salmon Matt, if you know who is he) became a confidant to call in moments of need. Samantha, an HSD colleague make me re-think the role-model that I´m implicitly and explicitly are for some people. That can be previous and current students, other younger colleagues and collaborators, and well the communities that I belong to. Nicolas makes me evaluate my academic and professional incentives.
And also, a group of old and new colleagues started to do something in relation to the constitutional process in Chile (something that we launched just in March 2021). In the same direction, my commitment with Revolucion Democratic, the political party that I joined in 2013, ended after some decisions that make me realize that wasn´t my place anymore. The holidays were in Arizona, missing another opportunity to visit Javiera in Vermont for a spike on the COVID case, but with close and beloved friends and my partner in crime, Matias getting some things to invest his time personally and professionally.
Conclusion
The year was awful, but I got a lot of learnings. It was painful, but I got the opportunity to heal. Healing is a process of restoration, but also a homeostatic need. We need to heal to get back to a new equilibrium, to maintain our life, systems, and relations. Healing it´s more than a cure because requires putting new systems in place.
Life goes in oscillations, vibrations and waves, that transverse our inner and outer labyrinths, challenges, and circles.
Thanks for your patience. Thanks for your attention. Thanks for your love.
Writing a summary of a year like this is difficult, but also necessary, because I want to remember what I learned, like in previous years. (Observations (2019 in review); 2018: Isolation and Extraction 2017: Crecer, 2016: El dia despues, 2015: Ensueno y desplazamiento, 2014: Propositos, 2013: Silencio y Estridencia, 2012: Laberintos, 2011: Sorpresas, 2010: Sentir (Parte I, Parte II, Parte III), 2009: Madurez, 2008: Caos, 2007: Diversidad, 2006: Recuento Anual (arcoiris remix))
